


I Thought This Was About Sans, I Am Very Disappointed

by Ononymous



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Pre-Undertale, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 16:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14452920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ononymous/pseuds/Ononymous
Summary: Sans accompanies the brilliant Doctor Gaster into the bowels of the facility the CORE has powered, both skeletons determined to break the barrier and not realising the consequences that would unfold before the day was out.





	I Thought This Was About Sans, I Am Very Disappointed

There was little advanced warning. A soft hum a regular conversation could have drowned out, which quickly died away, punctuated with a pleasant chime. The elevator had reached its destination.

"Hmm," came a voice from within, "I'm not satisfied with how noisy that operation was. I'll have to recalibrate the motor once we have concluded for the day."

The door slid open, and two labcoat-clad figures stepped into the clinical hallway, identical clipboards clutched in chalk-white fingers. The taller one took a moment to adjust his glasses before scribbling a reminder to himself, the shorter one's grin belying the nervous energy with which he was reviewing his own collection of papers.

"So, Sans, it is T-minus 0 at last. Are you excited?"

"You bet, Dings!"

A terse harrumph. "Remember, lab grounds."

"Oh, sorry Doc."

He knew when to let go. "That will do. In any case, you are right to be excited. This is a rare opportunity, one that may open many doors for monsters, some more literal than others."

"For the guy who's gonna break the Barrier you don't sound too happy, Doc."

"On the contrary Sans, I am confident I could match your excitement point for point. There shall be no _barriers_ to success today."

Sans chuckled, a sound denoting he had no other cares in the world. "Hey, you're gettin' better at those. Maybe when the King gives you your permanent stipend for pullin' this off we can practise more."

Doctor Gaster's stiff posture relaxed a little. "Yes, we will have all the time in the world to perfect my sense of humour when we relieve the King of his burden, but not yet. Now, to maximize data retention, I propose once we reach the Mu Complex we boost the DT Thaumtrometer to one hundred five percent-"

Sans' smile disappeared behind a flurry of papers. "You sure that's the best idea, Doc? I know it's well within accepted parameters, but if the Anomaly reacts to that an' you get a positive feedback loop, we're gonna have a bad time. I mean the odds are extremely remote 'n' all, but-"

"Now now," his voice softened as they passed a cat at the vending machine, "if we follow standard extraction procedure, everything should be fine..."

The debate faded away as they rounded a corner. Meanwhile the cat was plunging his hands deep into his pockets, careful not to have his claws stick out and tear the lining.

"Dammit, I coulda sworn I had... ah ha, I knew it!"

He found what he was looking for. A shiny golden coin which had tried to evade capture by sidling between his wallet and phone, but to no avail. Satisfied, he had the coin join its twelve brethren within the machine.

"Stupid machine's a ripoff anyway. That's twice this year they've raised the prices. This keeps going and by next year they'll be on the Surface."

Not letting the problem of inflation deter him, he jabbed 3-0-7 into the keypad, followed up with the "VEND" button. He licked his lips a little as the metallic coil began to twist, the column of bags shuffling towards their destiny. The whirring stopped as-

The bag of spring onion flavoured chisps leant up against the glass, determined to stay where they were.

" _Aw, come on!_ "

Truthfully, these were not the words he used. To recount it verbatim would have been incredibly rude, and indeed a nearby Vulkin working in an office gasped in horror. However, "Aw, come on" covered the intent behind his exclamation. Grumbling more unpleasant words, he got to his knees and stuck his hand inside the vending area. But as the main access door opened, it simultaneously slid a panel into place blocking off access to the snacks. He wouldn't be grabbing his prize.

"You're not robbing me of my money that easily!"

Turning around, he assumed a squatting position and edged his back up to the vending machine. This odd position was explained as his tail started to move. Nudging the door slightly with his hands, he carefully slid it in, and it had the desired effect. The panel wasn't completely closed, allowing his tail access to where the food was stored. Furiously massaging the strain in his neck from looking behind him, he carefully steered his tail closer to the chisps. Nope, steer clear of the licorice, that wouldn't be worth it. Come on, almost there-

As he twisted his frame a little to feed the last few inches of tail into the machine, he lost his balance, and his hand flung into the vending door, slamming the panel shut tight and pinching his wayward appendage hard.

" _Ouch, that was intensely painful!_ " The Vulkin started to cry.

A few seconds later he was mournfully examining the damage, wondering how he'd explain the crook that was there. But more important that that, he was still ripped off. Forcibly calming himself, he found his center and visualised a ball of energy to nudge the chisps. A hazy white ball began to appear inside the machine, but then the outline of the glass shimmered yellow and the ball dissipated. An anti-magic field designed to prevent just such shenanigans.

"Oh, for- You take the time to block magic but you don't add a mechanism to make sure it vends properly?! Stupid penny pinching bonehead."

Totally defeated both by the vending machine and the day entirely, he withdrew to the staff room and found a possible answer.

"Hey, Alphys."

"What is it, H-Hamburg?"

"Can you loan me fifteen gold? I'll square you up tomorrow."

"Oh, sure!"

"Thanks."

Hamburg made his way back to the machine, thinking that at the very least he'd have a bag for tomorrow if both bags dropped. At least that was what he thought, before-

"Wow, two bags dropped at once! What a bargain!"

The off-white stubby legs of the squat monster pattered loudly as two bags of chisps were clasped in his noodly arms. Screw it. He was already talking a half-day anyway, he'd take it now. Hamburg stormed into the elevator, the doors closing just before the lights flickered ominously.

* * *

With his self-imposed day off, the first order of business was to use Alphys' loan to have a proper meal, which was why Hamburg was sitting in Grillby's, tail resting softly in his lap to avoid further damage, awaiting his early lunch. A firey hand placed the plate of spaghetti in front of him. The tangy tomato-laced aroma eased its way into Hamburg's nose, massaging some of the frustrations of the lab out of his system. Taking his fork he tenderly stuck it in the middle of the noodly labyrinth, twirling fiercely until a quarter of the pasta was on it, the succulent mixture of herbs and spices in the secret sauce heightening his anticipation even as it dripped slightly back onto the plate. Punctuating the exquisite delicacy by adding a meatball to the tangle, he admired the beauty emerging from what was chaos, and almost regretted how he slowly sank it into his mouth. The regret died as his tongue reported the rapture that the oak-matured flavour induced in his mouth. There were no concerns. No barrier to lament being trapped behind, no war with humanity that seemed inevitable one far-off day. There was just him and utter satisfaction at what was a perfect meal.

"Ham!" Ah well, nice while it lasted. "How ya doing?"

"Oh, hi Wao," he said to the burly dog that had spotted him, "not on guard duty?"

"Sparring duty earlier. The King's got a new kid, punches like Argie used to." He rotated his shoulder in minor discomfort. "So the Doc limits our exposure to her to avoid serious injury. You not at the lab today?"

"I was. But I'm actually seeing Doctor Drake later, Leggsy has an appointment, so I figured just take the rest of the day to myself. Avoid any..." he rubbed the crook in his tail. "Incidents."

"Too right!" Wao sat across from him. "Hey, can I try some?"

He wanted to say no, but manners prevailed. "Eh, sure."

After bundling a portion of his meal onto a side dish, Wao buried his snout into the serving, sauce flying everywhere. If anything, Hamburg must have been a little offended at how little appreciation the dog was showing. He was scarfing it down like the taste didn't matter, taking no time to appreciate the blending of flavours to create something greater than the whole of his parts. The sauce on Hamburg's shirt just underlined this carelessness. He had nothing against dogs, but they refused to take the time necessary elevate the experience a good meal of spaghetti could offer.

"Oh man, that hit the spot!" Wao started panting contentedly. "Hey, when's your appointment?"

"With Doctor Drake? Half two."

"Cool. The guys over there are playing a few rounds of poker. We should join them!"

Hamburg shrugged. "Oh well, why not?"

Playing poker with dogs could be tricky, then super easy, then become extremely hard. At first their enthusiasm made it hard to concentrate on what cards you had, and therefore to present an appropriate bluff. But as you acclimated to the random barks of excitement at you joining the game and other distractions, it became easy to pick up on tells. A rigid ear would turn floppy, a rhythmic thud against the chair betrayed a wagging tail, or sometimes a whine the dog themselves might not hear, but Hamburg's small triangular ears picked up like a screech, even if today there was a loud commotion going on outside and what sounded like alarm bells. This advantage wasn't absolute however. Some of the dogs became aware of their tells, and unable to suppress them decided to camouflage them. So now some dogs panted _and_ flattened their ears _and_ wagged their tails all at once, and it was hard to pick out what was forced from what was involuntary. Hamburg could hold his own however. His own hygiene habits denied the dogs any errant scents that could suggest what he felt about what was in his hand. The rounds went on for a while.

"Fold," muttered Wao, a single thud announcing his tail tucked between his legs.

"Ha!" said the elderly Rovie. "Just me and young Hammy here!"

Hamburg assessed his cards. The best he could do was a nine-high straight. Not nothing, but it wasn't the strongest. Meanwhile the five cards face up on the table had two fours, and none of the three other sixes were accounted for, so it was entirely possible Rovie had some of them, giving her a full house. She was confident in any case, as the rhythm of pant-thud-pant-thud-pant-thud signalled.

"So then," she said, "I'll raise ya by ten."

A low "ooh" went round the table. Whether they were genuinely impressed at her daring or it was just a display of pack loyalty, Hamburg didn't know.

"I see you, and raise you another five." He earned his own "ooh". A good sign? He wasn't sure.

"Throw another five on there." There was whining from the audience now.

"How about another ten?"

"How about another _fifty_?"

The rest of the pack was completely silent. There was just the regular pant-thud-pant-thud-pant-thud coming from Rovie herself. Either she had her full house, or was trying to buy her way out of the bluff. If it was the former and he called, he'd be wiped out. And now she was twitching her ears as well, making getting a read beyond his abilities.

"Hmmmm..." he stalled. Everyone was staring, as though he'd suddenly throw a stick. He didn't have much time.

"Ain't got much time, boy," she confirmed.

In the grand scheme of things, this hand meant nothing. He could abandon it and nobody would think less of him. He had his pride, however. And that money meant he'd have a comfortable cushion in case that stupid vending machine tried to rob him again. He pinched the bridge of his beady nose, staring at Rovie's oscillating tongue, trying to decide what to do...

And that's when he spotted it. Her tongue was dry. Most panting had at least a little drool to accompany it, except when the dog in question was... nervous! It was a bluff!

"...call." His voice was smooth as the chink of coins landed in the middle of the table. "Nine-high straight."

Wao in particular gave a small bark of approval. Everyone looked back to Rovie, who was now frozen. Until finally...

"HA!"

Two more fours joined their cousins on the table. Augh, he hadn't even considered that. She took the glass of water next to her and lapped some of it up.

"Doctor says I'm a little dehydrated." Her smug grin revealed her fangs as she scraped her winnings over to her. "'Quite the achievement for a monster', he said."

"Oh. Good for you."

"Oof. Bad luck, Hamburg," said Wao.

" _I agree, I was most unfortunate._ " The fish by the bar did a double take at the caustic language, like it was eight hours too early for it.

"Hey, if you needed this cash we can mulligan or something," said Rovie.

"No, it's fine. I guess today's just not my day."

"If you need cheering up," said Wao, "we could go sniff trees or something!" There was an incoherent but optimistic set of chatter from the other dogs.

"Nah, go on without me. I'm gonna take Leggsy to the Doctor then sit with her at home with nothing to think about."

Hamburg would soon have a lot to think about.

* * *

"Put some ointment on that crook, it should clear up after a while," said Doctor Drake. "Now, Mrs Felidaeski, with your husband's clumsiness cleared up-"

"I'm not the one who closed the door on my tail, and I was nowhere near the vending machine!"

"Uh huh. Anyway Leggsy, I know why you've been feeling tired and queasy lately."

Leggsy nodded, denoting bravery that wasn't necessarily there. "How long do I have?"

"Six months."

Both cats clutched their mouths in horror.

"Oh, you thought-?! No, nothing like that. You aren't falling down for a long time."

Leggsy's ears flattened against her skull. "You mean I don't have the thaum-congenital soul defect that claimed my great grandmother and meant she didn't make it to forty?"

"Goodness, no! That's why you came in...? Didn't your mother tell you? You were tested for that when you were born, for exactly that reason. You're fine in that regard."

A sob of relief escaped her blunt muzzle as Hamburg embraced her. As wonderful as this news was however, there was a loose thread.

"'In that regard'? So something else is wrong?"

"'Wrong' is subjective, Mr Felidaeski. When I say you have six months, it's six months to get another bed."

The two of them looked blankly at him. Leggsy broke ranks first. "Y-you mean-?!"

"Yes. You're three months pregnant."

Another sob, but one of surprise and joy. Hamburg didn't support her this time.

"Looks like this was unexpected," said Doctor Drake, scribbling some notes with his wing. "Now, we'll obviously need to set up regular check ups so confirm baby is fine, and nowadays we can test them for soul defects before they're even born, so we have advanced notice, but nothing in my initial examination suggests anything's amiss. If you need support of a not strictly medical nature I can-"

The door banged open. "Doctor!"

"What is it, nurse?"

"They recovered a few more people from the lab, the other doctors are busy."

Drake's beak clicked gravely. "On my way. Leggsy, call me in a day or two to set up your antenatal regieme. And congratulations."

He marched out the door. The two cats sat in their chairs for a long time before following him out of the room.

"Oh, Hamburg! You're going to be a father! Aren't you excited?"

" _No. I am stunned and alarmed by this development in my life, and I fear the sudden changes that are pending._ "

Leggsy was shocked. "You can't talk like that in front of the baby!"

He dipped his head in shame. "Sorry. It's just... We're so young."

"So?"

"I thought... we'd have time. A couple of years, maybe."

"Burgie, we're not like the King. We only get a limited window to do this. And maybe that's a good thing. You know the story of the Prince, maybe if he came along sooner they never would have..."

"I know, but... what if I screw up? What if they hate me?"

She chuckled a little, and rested her hand on his cheek. "Well you persuaded me this was a good idea. I'm sure you can pull it off again."

His wife's encouragement tickled his soul. "Yeah... yeah!" A clenched fist shot into the air. "We'll be the best parents this side of Waterfall! Verden Felidaeski deserves nothing better!"

"Verden? I like that name."

"Well if it's a girl, sure. In anycase, I'll make sure they don't waste their life!"

"So, what were you thinking if it was a boy?"

"Well..."

And as Hamburg plotted his happy future, a shy young equine monster in the above mentioned Waterfall struggled with the puzzle. "Aaron, bro," he told himself, "this is gonna be the best non-skeleton-designed puzzle in the whole Underground, or I don't secretly have a crush on-"

* * *

"Okay, Papyrus?"

"YES, FRISK?"

"Why are you talking about Aaron now?"

"WELL IT'S A MOVING STORY ABOUT OVERCOMING PUZZLEXIA!"

"But, uh, wasn't this story supposed to be about Sans?"

"WELL IT WAS, BUT I THOUGHT HAMBURG'S STRUGGLES WITH IMPENDING FATHERHOOD WERE WORTH EXPLORING TOO!"

"Dude, you came in here and literally said 'Everyone, I want to tell you about an important day in Sans' life!'"

"WELL PERHAPS I DID, UNDYNE, BUT A GOOD STORYTELLER KNOWS WHEN TO AVAIL OF AN OPPORTUNITY."

"How'd you even know all that crap anyway? You and Sans weren't there."

"IT'S CALLED BEING OBSERVANT."

"Even about the spaghetti?"

" _ESPECIALLY_ ABOUT THE SPAGHETTI!"

"Yo Papyrus, what about the baby? Did they turn out alright?"

"I BELIEVE THEY HAD A BOY, LITTLE ARMLESS MONSTER, AND HE SMILES A LOT WHENEVER I SEE HIM AT MTT™ BURGER, SO I BELIEVE THINGS ARE GOING WELL FOR HIM."

"That's totally awesome!"

"But what happened to Sans?"

"OH, HE CAME HOME LATER THAT DAY. I RECALL HE WAS RATHER UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING. BUT BY THE TIME HE TUCKED ME INTO BED HE SEEMED FINE, IF A LITTLE LAZIER THAN USUAL. THE NEXT DAY, IT WAS LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED!"

"And what about Doctor Gaster?"

"DOCTOR...? FRISK, I'M NOT SURE WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

"Who I'm talking about...? I can't remember."

"Remember what?"

"I CAN'T REMEMBER."

Everyone started scratching the back of their head.

"ANYWAYS..."

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!


End file.
